Surfing the waves and additional needs: FAQs

In session six of the original Parenting for Faith course, Rachel Turner talks about Parenting for Faith’s fifth key tool, surfing the waves.

Kids’ interest in spiritual things comes and goes in waves as they learn new things and find out how they best connect with God and relate to him. As we disciple our children, we notice that their interests might change. Childhood and adolescence are periods of discovery, when children try different things before discovering what suits them best. We need to learn to ‘surf the waves’ of their interests, supporting and enabling them along the way.

Here are some questions we have been asked about what this might look like for children or teens with additional needs, together with some answers shaped by friends of Parenting for Faith, Kay Morgan-Gurr,  Mark Arnold  and Naomi Graham.

How can I tell if my child is surfing a wave if they don’t always show their own preferences?

This will depend on your child. You may be able to spot a wave simply through observation: your child loves a particular worship song, or is very interested in looking through their Bible, or loves to have a role helping others.

It may help to think about how your child communicates preference generally and if you could use that.to help you detect a wave: for example, by choosing different symbols. What triggers their meltdowns? That may help you see preference. Where do they like to go when they are in church – towards the band, to their friends, near the tech team? What are their favourite activities or places? When are they happiest? When they are playing, what stories do they tell? Are they a hero rescuing people or someone nurturing and caring for others?

Broadening their experiences of church and God may also reveal waves. Try a formal service instead of your usual informal one; take your child to a prayer meeting; get them serving on team with you; ask them to pray for your friend who is ill; join in with the church’s community litter pick. See what they enjoy or are inspired by.

There is a beautiful story here of how Lucille, who worked in a L’Arche community, spotted a wonderful wave one of the core members was surfing.

I want to create opportunities for my child to try new things and equip them to do it themselves, but how can I do that when they find so many things hard?

Helping our children try new things and develop new skills takes time, so don’t feel you have to rush this. Using the six stage circle may help you think through what this looks like for you and your family:

• Model. How can you model for your child what this new thing is? How can you share it with them in a way that works for them?
• Frame. How can you help them understand why this is something you think is important?
• Equip. What does your child need to help them explore this new thing for themselves? Do they need specialist equipment, such as ear defenders so they can listen to music comfortably, a graphic Bible they will enjoy reading, a drum so they can join in with worship, or a gym ball to help them settle in a new environment? Might a social story to prepare them for a new experience help?
• Create opportunities. How can you introduce them to experiencing this for themselves? Might they need little taster sessions, building up to more later on? Will they need you to be there as well? Who might I need to approach to advocate for them or who might I want to brief in advance?
• Establish boundaries. These might include: ‘You don’t have to come back if you don’t like it’; ‘I will always come with you until you tell me you don’t want me there any more’; ‘We’re just trying this out if it’s not for you, that’s okay’; ‘We can do this everyday if you want’ – whatever you feel is right for you and your child.
• Feedback. Feed back anything that strikes you about the new thing they have been trying, particularly where you noticed how it helped their connection to God. For example, ‘I noticed how when you welcomed people to church this morning that really helped them settle in’; ‘Thank you for sharing that Bible story with me, I loved hearing what you thought.’

As far as you can, try to widen their experience of God things – different types of services, different ways to pray, different ways to read or hear the Bible, meeting different people at church, trying different ways to serve. This will help you help them to find their fit and what they are made to do.

Many waves stop after a while, so if your child loses interest or has a meltdown, don’t worry. You may want to stop with this wave for a while, and try again later, or simply wait until you spot the next wave.

If I spot a wave in my child, is it okay for me to help them do things if they can’t do it themselves?

You know your child best and if they need your support to surf a wave, that is absolutely okay. We all sometimes need someone to help us get started in something new, or support us emotionally, or provide physical support for a task. It’s still your kid’s wave and they are still surfing it. Depending on the wave, there may be other people who can support your child – a friend, a mentor, or a team leader perhaps.

What if there are gaps in their knowledge or things they just will never be able to do?

Very often, in our heads we have a checklist for what a ‘spiritual’ child looks like, which includes things like knowing and loving their Bible, having a great prayer life, serving willingly at home and in church – you know the picture! And if our child (like most children) doesn’t tick those boxes we can feel there are gaps that need to be filled. So if your child can’t or doesn’t read the Bible, or shows no interest in worship, that’s okay.

Every child is unique, and God has a unique purpose for them. The Bible is clear that everyone has a part to play in the kingdom of God: Paul uses the image of a body to illustrate this (1 Corinthians 12). So help them surf the waves of what they are interested in now, keep an eye out for new waves and widen their experience of God things – and don’t worry about the rest.