Taking the angst out of infant baptism, dedication or thanksgiving prep

Most churches are asked to baptise, dedicate or have a thanksgiving for babies of families they don't see regularly in church. And this can present a whole truckload of issues. Rachel Turner suggests that a small shift in our thinking can make that easier and more fruitful.

When you are working with families who want their baby dedicated or baptised, or who just want a thanksgiving service, they tend to fall into two camps. You have the members of your church who want to bring their new baby into the family of faith, however that is done in your tradition, and then you have families with nominal, tentative or no faith but who want a church ceremony for their child. We’d all love to see some fruit coming out of these opportunities with these families. But we know that engaging with them can feel far from fruitful.

• It can be very time-consuming. If you have a large parish or multiple churches, you might end up doing baptisms frequently.
• It can feel very frustrating, as if you are just providing a service for people who don’t really believe a word of it.
• It can be upsetting. Having invested carefully and thoughtfully with the parents, to discover that they drop you like a hot cake as soon as the ceremony is over can leave you feeling foolish or wounded.
• It can feel like you are manipulative or even party to a fraud as you instruct parents and godparents to make promises they seem incapable or unwilling to keep.

But who’s it really about?

The problem is that when we look at the parents and carers, it all becomes about their faith, or lack of faith, and the choices they make. And it will most likely feel and be a frustrating exercise. But what about if we focus on the child?

Although I’ve lived here for ever 20 years, I am an American, and when my son was born I wanted him to have his American citizenship. After all, it was his by right, and even though there might be some things about America I don’t like, his citizenship is important. It brings him some benefits now, like the ability to travel freely to the States, but it’s really important for his future, giving him choices about where he wants to live and work, and being under the protection of the American flag. So when he was born I took him to the American embassy to get him registered as an American citizen.

But imagine if, when we presented ourselves, instead of welcoming my son and checking all the paperwork was in order, another conversation had taken place?

“OK, so you want your son to be an American citizen? So let’s run a few checks. How good an American are you? We’re just going to ask you a few questions, then if we think you can live up to the standards of the words we want you to say, we’ll give you some promises to make. It’s fine! If you pass, then your son can become a citizen.” This would feel so wrong! All I want is the best for my kid. And I’ve decided that the best thing I can do for him is to get him his citizenship because it’s good for him now but mainly to preserve his choices for his future. I might want it so much that this approach might make me feel defensive and resentful and I might even lie about my true feelings about American so my son can have what he deserves and what he’s entitled to.

Shifting the focus

So while that may not be a perfect analogy, it may help us think about how we engage with parents and carers.

We know that when these families approach us for a welcome ceremony for their child, there’s always a good reason. That may be that they have a niggling something deep inside them that knows this is a good thing for their child; it may be that their family always does this; it may be that they want their child to have a connection with church; they may simply be doing it because it’ll make their wider family happy. But the bottom line is that they are bringing their child to church because they love them and want something good for them. So if our approach is essentially about if the parents have faith, we are in danger of patronising them or making them feel judged. Let’s see if your faith is good enough and then we might let your kid in. And parents who want, who need, to get their baby done will often shut down, become defensive or go into performance mode.

Without realising it, it’s easy to make a baby’s welcome to faith all about the parents or carers. But what about if we make it all about the baby? Parents and carers will always respond best if you focus on their children, not them. So imagine the impact if the message they hear isn’t that they’ve got hoops to jump through, but that we love that they recognise that inviting God into their baby’s life is good for that child – and we’re here to help them do that!

Small changes, big difference

Here are some ideas that might help you help these families hear the better message. You might also want to use our three baptism and dedication videos, designed for use with fringe families.

• Know what your theology of baptism / dedication / thanksgiving is and share that with your team.
• Affirm the parents’ or carers’ role in their child’s life, that they are the primary disciplers for their children, that God has positioned them to help them see and find God in their lives.
• Draw out from the parents their reasons for wanting their child to be baptised or dedicated. Make sure you affirm the reason why they have come to you (without judging their motives): for example, that’s so great that you are honouring your grandparents’ faith, or even though you’re not sure about God, what a wonderful gift to your child to give them their own chance to make up their mind . Encourage them that whatever their age, children need God in their lives and this is a great way to do that.
• As you talk them through the service and the symbolism, frame for them what will be happening spiritually. Frame what you’ll be doing as the service leader, what the parents will be doing and most importantly, what God will be doing. For example, not just that at this point, you’ll give the parents the oil for them to make the sign of the cross on their baby’s forehead, but that as they do this, God will see their willingness to let him into their child’s life. Or I’ll invite you to walk down the centre of the church and show everyone baby Sam, and let them and God welcome him into the family of God.
• Ensure you resource the baby’s spiritual life. What gift could you give the child now if they are too young to hear a story or read a Bible? What about a playlist of songs for them to play for and over their child, a booklet of prayers for them to use with their child or a copy of our book, Babies and Toddlers: nurturing your child’s spiritual life for their parents or carers?
• Follow up! When we join a gym, we expect to be kept in touch with birthday vouchers, emails saying they are missing you. When a child comes into your church to be baptised or dedicated, you make promises to them to be the community that supports them spiritually. We often feel shy of chasing families up; clergy complain that they never see the families after the ceremony and the families say we never heard from church again! So tell them, we will keep in touch, and send you invites for Christmas events or things we think you’d be interested in you and which would help you support your child on their journey with God.
• Keep in touch for the long term. What would it look like if every year, we continued to resource their child’s spiritual journey? Send them a board book of Bible stories a year later, then a first Bible, and so on. Invite the child to join your groups and events as they become old enough, and the whole family to your brilliant end of term barbeque or Christmas fun day.

You can also watch Rachel Turner talking about this here: